It’s been a good bit since I last spoke with you (my followers) or those who somehow make their way onto my page without any sole purpose. But I think its time I come clean about something. It’s been weighing very heavily on my conscience and I think it’s time I come forth and let you all know what it is exactly.
Now I don’t expect everyone to relate or even feel some sympathy for my situation, but I ask that you do hear me out. The truth is, I don’t have it al together. No matter how much I would like to think that I do or let people believe I do, the reality is I am a man without a plan.
I guess I should rephrase that. I have a plan, but a lot of the times those same plans alternate between various other life decisions that either seem like I am selling myself too short or too high. At times, it can be a little discouraging because for as long as I can remember I have ALWAYS had a plan A, B and C. To those who know me they can attest to this because I always keep a yearly planner with me throughout each academic year that basically details my every step from sun-up to sun-down.
Now with graduation slowly approaching in May and the comforting idea that I got to return in August for classes no longer an option I find myself panicking. I find myself at the most random times of the day asking myself the questions that I never used to dread:
“What’s next for you?”
“Have you applied to graduate school?”
If so, “What graduate school are you going to and why?
“How’s the job search going?”
Its questions like these that as of lately have been giving me panic attacks that steal my confidence. Its questions like these that steal my idea of if the things I am doing today are actually going to get me where I want to be. It’s questions like these that inadvertently make me question my existence when compared to others.
Now if you’ve gotten this far in my post, you may be asking yourself one of two things. But to be honest, I going to stop you before you can say anything and let you in on a little truth I heard earlier this week from a good friend of mine. I messaged her in regards to my situation and she gave me some of the best advice I could have asked for. It was simple, but still so captivating in the sense that I go back and read her message anytime I feel life trying to get me down.
She wrote me back:
“The level of faith I have is being perfected leading up to graduation. Knowing that God knows we can do this is what keeps me sane.”
Knowing that God has favor over my life is so refreshing and comforting especially in a season of my life where I am preparing for change. Too often I find myself trying to go through a journey I have no direction to when all I needed was to ask God for directions. My pastor talks highly on the favor of God and it took me a little time to truly understand what that means. Even still, I find myself questioning what exactly that means but I can see evidence of his favor throughout my life on a daily basis.
There’s a lot of things he didn’t have to do, but he decided to do it anyways. There’s a lot of people he could have kept in my life, which I thought would’ve been good for that season of life but God was looking for long-term. There’s just so many instances where his favor has come down on me and engulfed me in love and protection and I think it’s high-time he receives his praises for it because His love is forever and his favor is everlasting.
So here’s what I say to the idea of “not having a plan” or feeling as though “I don’t have it all together”, I am doing just fine where I am at and I will be doing just fine after everything is all said and done. The trials and tribulations are part of the journey, which is what I have to remind myself. They make us who we are and add to what we will become, so if I could speak on my trials as of now I would tell the world to watch out because I am only now coming into who I am destined to be and that makes me dangerous.