So for the past few months, I’ve been feeling compelled to write something. I haven’t been sure what it is that I need to write, but as of lately I’ve started to figure what it is that has been pulling me back to my keyboard every other night. Lately, I have been battling with dictation. Now you might look at the word and think “is he confused?”, but I assure you that I am not.
For quite some time (years to be exact), I have allowed my very being to be dictated by the means of others. Whether that be in academics, sports, relationships and even friendships, I’ve never really felt like I was the one pulling the strings, but rather someone else pulling them for me. Majority of life has always been planned out for me. For instance, like what to wear, what to eat, what kind of sports I should I play or even what kind of hobbies should interest me.
Now I’m not saying that I’m not a self-sufficient young man because I am and a damn good one if I do say so myself. But everything has always been in a pristine order for myself that when things go array, I tend to lose myself. I’m at a point in my life where I’m tired of letting others dictate who I am and how I should live my life. At 21-years-old I am journeying into a part of my life that I am equally afraid yet excited to begin.
Since the wee age of five, when I first began playing sports they have dictated my future. I always knew that I needed to be the best not only in the classroom, but also on the field and on the track. For any athlete numbers play a big factor in our ability to win or lose a match or in my case a race. For runners, numbers are something totally different. Yes, they determine who wins the race, but they also can be the difference in the complete and utter destruction of a persons self-esteem.
In my case, numbers have gotten to the point that they dictate everything. My happiness is determined by the number on the scale, the average I get on a test, the number of likes I see on my Instagram pictures and so on. It’s upsetting because I never felt like I could be one of those people who depended on materialistic things to bring them happiness.
I’ve always believed that when something becomes not enjoyable anymore, you should find the tools to fix it. In my instance, I didn’t know where to start. Typically I would grab my laptop and write, but each time I did nothing would come to mind. I found myself in a rut where nothing could be deemed good enough by my eyes. That’s when I had an epiphany, the things that you once let dictate your life will now be the things you let go.
For a long time and even to this day, I still struggle with this new-found understanding. How can I let go of the things that have controlled me for so long? The answer is simple, pray and hope for the best. You can’t rush this new found information of self-achievement , but you can embrace all that it has to offer along the way.
-Cecil R.
Cecil's Outlook 